I’ve been wrestling with some puzzling health issues over the last year-and-a-half. They’re the kind of issues that aren’t typically recognized by conventional medicine as an issue, yet are bothersome enough to signal to me that something is out of whack.
Recently, when some of my symptoms got louder and more uncomfortable (and I wasn’t getting anywhere with the whole doctoring myself thing), I sought the help of a really great functional medicine doc. It turns out things really were out of whack – especially with my gut.
In January, my doc and I decided to forego testing and treat based on symptoms – something I was good with at the time. I was pretty classically symptomatic for leaky gut and candida overgrowth, so we decided to treat and see how I felt in a few months.
After several months of a gut cleanse protocol, certain symptoms did improve, but the main issue I’d been dealing with for over a year – extreme bloating – wasn’t getting any better. Thus, at our next appointment, my doctor and I determined a Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth (SIBO) was likely and that we’d next treat for that.
A month or so later into the new treatment regimen, and after starting a new diet and supplements for SIBO, I had a startling middle-of-the-night severe pain episode in my stomach that really shook me (thank you, body, for demanding my attention).
Coincidentally, after the pain episode, I had a call scheduled with my doc the next day. I’d been doing all the “right” things for awhile with minima; results, so we decided it was time to pursue various testing – including diving into my genetics.
For the next month or so, I watched myself visit Reactive Brain* rather frequently. I felt uncomfortable in my body and wanted answers. In response to the discomfort, when I was particularly unconscious and swept up in RB, I often found myself down the google rabbit hole trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me and what I needed to do to fix my body – now (thank you, RB, for your impressive sense of urgency).
For much of the time during that waiting period while I was so fiercely lodged in RB, I also found myself on the drama triangle – with myself. I’d become at war with my own body – vacillating from being a victim (Poor me, what’s wrong! I’m never going to get better!), to a villain (You idiot, you did this to yourself! It’s all your fault!) to a hero (Here darling, eat all of these macadamia nuts, you deserve them and they will for sure make you feel better.).
When the genetic results finally came in, I was elated. Finally, I’d could get out of the hell I was living in, get some answers, and start feeling better!
When I first opened the link to the report, however, I had no idea how to interpret the information. I decided to wait for my doctor’s appointment (two unbearable weeks from then) to figure out what the heck the report said.
The next day, however, good ‘ol RB and its sense of urgency got the best of me. I needed to know what my genes said and I needed to know NOW.
As I dug into the report and toggled back and forth between it and googling things like what’s an SNP, what is MTHFR, how to know if your genes are affecting your health, etc., I felt empowered – despite having no idea if my interpretations were accurate or not – when quite a few symptoms finally seemed to make sense.
At first, I was completely hooked by this new level of information and the implications it had for optimizing and supporting my health. However, once I reached one gene in particular – one that implicated a potential for multiple chronic health problems (that I had several mutations for) – my heart began to race.
In a matter of seconds, I felt my body heat up as my thoughts swirled. As I catapulted from hope and possibility into fear and dread, I imagined a future plagued with an unhealthy, painful, and sickness-ridden life; I was filled with doom.
All of a sudden, my body became an enemy that I had no control over. I’d given it the power to make my life a living hell, because now I knew what it was capable of – I knew what was in my DNA.
As I sat there marinating in stress chemicals, conjuring up all the things that could go wrong, I wondered why the heck I thought genetic testing was a good idea. What was I thinking? Why hadn’t I prepared myself for this? Why didn’t I think this through? There was no way to unknow what I now knew!
Then, from what seemed like some sort of divine intervention, instead of sinking deeper into my fear, I got curious and wondered how other people responded to their genetic reports.
I followed my curiosity and took to google – yet again – but this time, my energy began shifting into a more expansive state of consciousness.
While I did find countless articles about the emotional impact genetic testing has had on people, I wasn’t really interested in reading about them. In fact, I don’t think the content of that curiosity really even mattered. Instead, it was the impact the wondering had on my energy and the ability to support me to shift out of fear and into wondering that mattered.
Within minutes, I was able to tune into my body, focus my attention on the remaining density, collapse, and contraction I felt, so that I could begin to move through the rest of my fear.
Then, out of nowhere, I had another powerful thought fill my brain as I remembered Bruce Lipton’s work with epigenetics and the Biology of Belief and how my environment, my lifestyle, the food I eat, the thoughts I have, my ability to feel my feelings/move stuck energy through my body, and the relationship I have with myself and others – among many other factors – all impact the way my genes are expressed.
Aaaaaand, there it was, the magic sauce: the power of choice finding its way back to me, reminding me that I could choose to fully shift back above Above The Line.*
Finally, it hit me: I’d been resisting my body’s messages for quite some time now, refusing to partner with it, and instead powering over or under it by seeing it as flawed, weak, too powerful, causing me problems, and working against me.
I feel teary now, as I write this, seeing how angry I have been at my body for not doing what I wanted it to do, when all along it was just trying to help.
Even though I sometimes forget this – especially when I’m in pain – this experience has reminded me that symptoms aren’t a nuisance here to cause us to suffer, but that they are messengers, guiding us home to ourselves, our own knowing, and to whole health and alignment.
Today, from Above The Line, the story I’m living into about genetic testing sounds and feels a whole lot different than the story I told myself the day I first dove in. From a more expansive state, the testing is now useful information that can help fill in some blanks I’ve been wondering about for awhile now, as well as provide me with some insight and guidance for future health needs. I’m also now excited to do a deeper dive into healing and optimizing my health and even wondering how this all might connect to my work with energy, personas, and the wisdom of the body. I’m discovering new healers and teachers and books that are fascinating, empowering, and on the cutting edge of what’s possible when we tune into the body’s innate capacity to heal and thrive.
Ultimately, this experience has shown me that when I choose to view my body as my ally in feeling good – versus the enemy causing me to feel bad – I experience more of the magical and healing power of love and trust, acceptance and appreciation.
Thank you, body, for all you have done for me, for your persistence in always getting my attention, and for helping me to see that what I really want is to be in power, with you.
Happy Friday, friends!
May you experience the wonder and joy of being in power with that loving body of yours that just wants you to thrive.
*Reactive Brain and Above The Line are terms and concepts coined by Julie Colwell |
+ show Comments
- Hide Comments
add a comment