September 19, 2025

Last week, my partner and I did something wild and sexy. Okay, fine. It was nerdy. (But still kinda hot in its own way.)

We started doing our finances co-creatively. (Yes, that’s a thing. And yes, I’m ridiculously into it. We’re even making a process other couples can steal, so stay tuned.)

And you know what? It shot us straight up the love-o-meter.

Like, we were in FLOW. Connected. Playful. Basically living our own rom-com montage, but with real life sweatpants.

But here’s the catch: when love and joy expand beyond what feels familiar, the nervous system often steps in and (unconsciously) hits the brakes:

“Whoa, wait a minute. This is too much! Better dial it back.”

Sometimes that looks like: you get sick. Or you stuff yourself silly with cookies. Or you pick a stupid fight right after a dreamy weekend.

Me? This round it was more like a slow tightening.

Picture a balloon filling, filling, filling… until pop!

Except the balloon was my nervous system. And the pop was me snapping into good ol’ Reactive Brain.

Not because anything was wrong. Just because I’d maxed out my capacity to feel that good.

In real life? This showed up as a random disagreement that slowly rolled an argument over god-knows-what. Seriously, I couldn’t tell you now. But in the moment, it was full-on Law & Order: Relationship Unit (The Case of Who’s Right and Who’s Wrong).

Guess who I cast as the villain? (Hint: not me.)

I was lining up my airtight case. I had closing arguments ready. And then the fatalistic thoughts crept in:

“Uh oh. Did we break it? Is the magic over?”

That’s when I remembered something Gay Hendricks says:

“The only real problem humans have is feeling too good.”

Sounds weird, right? But it’s true.

Sometimes the things we most want are totally unfamiliar.

And to our nervous system, unfamiliar = unsafe.

So what do we do? We freak out. We contract. We sabotage.

Unless we have tools to bring the body on board — to move through these phases with more gentleness and ease — and teach it: “Relax. This much goodness is safe.”

Quick tip:

Next time you catch yourself in Reactive Brain, pause. Put one hand on your chest and belly, take a slow breath, notice one sensation, and keep your attention there until the energy starts to move. (Bonus points if you name it out loud to your partner: “There’s a knot in my chest,” or “My shoulders are buzzing.”) That little awareness alone can start to soften the contraction.

Because contraction happens. It’s part of being human. We’re all basically walking triggers, waiting for someone (hi, beloved partner) to press the release valve on all that old stuck energy.

But here’s the reframe: contraction doesn’t have to wreck everything.

With the right tools, you can meet it with love and awareness. You can skip the regrettable outbursts.

You can actually come out stronger, together.

Here’s the cycle as I see it:

Expansion → Edge of familiarity → Contraction → Awareness + tools → Greater capacity → Repeat.

Contraction isn’t failure. It’s the natural dance partner to expansion.

And each time you move through it, your system learns it can hold more of the good stuff.

So if you’re in a fierce Reactive Brain phase right now? Maybe nothing’s broken.

Maybe you’re just at the edge of your joy capacity — and about to level up.

Because what if contraction isn’t the end of connection… but the doorway to more of it?

Cheers to expanding with ease — right into the relationship of your dreams ✨.

Sarah

PS: Want to read more about this phenomenon Gay calls the Upper Limit Problem? Check out his book: The Big Leap.

PPS: If this message resonates, I’d love to have you join me over on Instagram @sarah.schweppe where I’m sharing tips and tricks, honest reflections, and things I’m finding helpful in love and life.