Relationships have a funny way of bringing out our best and worst selves. And, sometimes, just when you think you’ve finally worked through all of your stuff, life often hands you a new challenge—a fresh little mirror reflecting back patterns you’d hoped were long gone.

For me, that mirror came wrapped in fur, puppy breath, and an impressive ability to pee every 10 minutes.

But let’s rewind.

When Life Feels Just Right…So You Decide to Shake Things Up a Bit

Zach and I had spent the past year building a life together—big love, deep connection, plenty of fun, and, of course, our fair share of arguments over things like the dishes (which, as we all know, is never really about the dishes).

By Christmas, we had finally hit a groove. Things felt right—it was as if our nervous systems had exhaled, and our home actually felt like our home—both within ourselves and with each other.

So, what does one do when they’ve entered into a newfound sense of peace, calm, and connection? Completely disrupt it, of course, by adopting a puppy on a whim.

Although we had zero plans to get a dog, there we were, scrolling through shelter puppies on Christmas Eve, just looking. (Spoiler alert: No one ever just looks at shelter puppies.)

By that afternoon, Zach, his three adult kids, and I, had fallen head over heels for the first tiny, wiggly, and VERY energetic pup they brought out at the shelter. The universe had spoken. Her name was Lula.

And within 24 hours, I had already fallen into one of my oldest relationship patterns—one I thought maybe I had outgrown.

Enter: The Drama Triangle

The moment Lula stepped into our home, my nervous system went into overdrive. I took full responsibility for everything, began to see Zach as incapable, and convinced myself I was the only one who could do things right.

A classic oldest child move, I know.

It’s an old survival strategy of mine—because, if I take control, I don’t have to feel the actual discomfort underneath—like the fear that things won’t be okay unless I make them okay.

And because the universe has such a great sense of humor, Zach also had his own version of a stress response bubble up: frustration, irritation, and (understandably) losing patience with the endless cycle of puppy chaos.

So, what happened?

I became the Hero, of course, stepping in to protect Lula (the Victim) from Zach (the Villain).

Meanwhile, Zach saw himself as the Victim of puppy madness, making me the Villain for over-controlling, and Lula… well, she was busy eating a sock.

And this, my friends, is what we call The Drama Triangle—the unconscious roles we slip into when we’re avoiding what we really feel.

And we were playing it out flawlessly.

Breaking the Pattern

Luckily, about a month into the drama, we chatted with a mentor who called out exactly what was happening. And once we saw the pattern, we then saw we had a choice:

1. Keep repeating the same old dynamic (because, hey, it’s familiar!)
2. Take responsibility for our own triggers, feel the feelings, and shift the script

I’d love to say that we immediately chose option two, but…let’s be honest, we’re only human. It took some flailing (and a few more arguments) before we really started to get it down.

For me, the biggest lesson has been this: My unconscious roles aren’t going to disappear. Ever. They’ve been with me for a long time. But instead of letting them run the show, I can recognize them when they show up, take a breath, and choose to respond differently.

I’m quite confident that my hero will continue to swoop in from time to time and attempt to save the day, my victim will still periodically sulk, and I’m sure my villain will continue to get snappy here and there.

But now, I have the ability to see it when it’s happening. And when I can see it, I can change it.

So, here’s to choosing a new way forward—to seeing our triggers as teachers, our struggles as invitations to grow, and our relationships as playgrounds for evolution.

(And, of course, to Lula—who is currently snoozing in my lap, blissfully unaware of the existential revelations she’s sparked.)

Thanks for reading! I’d love for you to comment and let me know—what’s one relationship pattern you’ve caught yourself repeating?

With love,
Sarah