Typically when I’m focusing on how other people need to do things differently, I’ve unconsciously slipped into feeling-avoidance mode. In this space, my brain has me convinced that my behavior is not only valid, but also useful, because I know what is best for this person and all I really want to do is help!

When I bring awareness into these situations, however, it is clear that my motivation is 100% coming from the desire to alleviate my own emotional discomfort. I often find that my compulsive drive to “help” – especially in romantic relationships – is fueled by thoughts like: what if this person doesn’t stop doing the thing I want them to stop doing? What if they don’t start doing what I want them to do? What if they get hurt? What if our relationship ends? And then there’s the big whammy: what if something happens and I lose this person forever?

Underneath every single one of these questions, for me, is typically a really strong feeling I am super afraid to feel. The problem is, because my unconscious has devised such a tricky way to help me avoid these feelings, I often don’t even realize that I have deeper feelings that need to be expressed. Because these emotions feel too big to explore, my brain offers up an alternative solution to feeling better: overfocus on my parter so that I can avoid me.

The problem is, even if our partner changes or we decide to remove him or her from our life all together, if we don’t address those really old, deep, scary feelings, they often just remain dormant, waiting for the next uncomfortable situation to trigger them up.

Relationships – especially our closest and most intimate ones – have the tendency to tap into our deepest wounds and the feelings we are most scared to feel. When we begin to refocus our attention on ourselves and feel into our emotional experience, we find that our partners’ inability to make us feel better may actually be quite the gift, guiding us back home to ourselves and to our power from within.

Happy Friday, friends. May you begin to uncover all the hidden blessings amidst whatever current challenges you might be facing.