Our brains are constantly humming along, unconsciously scanning for threat. Which is awesome for the whole keeping-us-alive thing. But not so awesome when the threat is in the way our boss looked at us or in the tone of voice our partner used during a disagreement.

After whatever thing happens (and our brain unconsciously registers it as a threat) and we have a feeling, we are then automatically trying to understand and figure out who is at fault for the threat. At the same time, our body begins to marinate in the physiological processes of Reactive Brain* with stress chemicals like cortisol, adrenaline, and norepinephrine coursing through our system (preparing us for response to the threat).

We all know this feeling of an immediate, urgent, emotional response. It’s those moments when someone says something and all of a sudden our face is red, our blood is boiling, and we hear ourselves saying (or shouting) with conviction: “I can’t believe you! You never do what you say you’re going to do! You’re really pissing me off!”

If the other person has also unconsciously slipped into Reactive Brain, his or her response may look something like this: “I never said I was going to do that! You always put words in my mouth! You’re always bringing me down, you’re such a nag!”

Without knowledge of Reactive Brain and what is happening physiologically for both people in this situation, we are often left believing all the stories that arise while we are inhabiting the more dense energies of anger, sadness, and fear. We also tend to believe that the other person is to blame for the uncomfortable feelings we are experiencing in the moment. As a result, we may find ourselves in conflict and fault-finding that can last for hours or days or even years, because Reactive Brain is just that compelling.

If you’re finding yourself stuck in a cycle of blame – it’s okay! Remind yourself that this is just what Reactive Brain does. Trust that with knowledge, comes power, and as you become more aware and skilled at shifting your state, you will learn how to move out of the unconscious trap of finding blame and into the more loving and compassionate spaces of Creative Brain.*

*Julie Colwell coined the terms and concepts of Reactive Brain and Creative Brain, which encompass all states of consciousness – both those of reactivity/threat/contraction as well as those of expansion/rest and digest.