When we experience conflict in relationships, our mind often goes into “fix it” mode. Because we’re having negative feelings (and if we aren’t moving the energy of those feelings through our body), the mind tries to figure out the problem so we can stop feeling “bad.” Sometimes this means we obsess about what’s wrong with our relationship, other times this means we obsess about what’s wrong with our partner (or friend or family member or boss, etc.).

Anytime we’re having a negative feeling, we’re in Reactive Brain.* And, because Reactive Brain is designed to help us stay alive, it is really, really good at unconsciously labelling things like our partner as the threat during conflict – even though the situation isn’t necessarily life threatening. Reactive Brain is obsessed with figuring out what’s “wrong” so that it can help us to not feel bad.

The problem is, while Reactive Brain’s intention is to help, it typically just further anchors us into more negative feelings and disconnection – the very things we’re often trying to avoid in the first place. Reactive Brain thinks that if we could just figure out what’s wrong with our partner, then we could restore the sense of connection we so desperately crave.

Which makes total sense. There’s no judgment here. I’ve done this myself in many different relationships (and still do from time to time), and for a long time, I even prided myself in my ability to figure out what’s “wrong” and then offer my “help.” The tricky thing is, while on the surface it looked like I was just trying to make things better, underneath my behavior was the desire to skirt my uncomfortable feelings by trying to change the other person.

Ultimately, the things I was trying to avoid – feeling negative feelings and disconnection – were the very experiences I perpetuated when I avoided myself and focused on other people.

The key to coming back into connection with ourselves and others is to reconnect with our bodies and our feelings. How do we do this? First, we build an awareness practice for what’s going on in our inner world (side note: The Inner Map is one of the most powerful tools I’ve found to immediately tune into what’s going on in my body. For updates on the next free Inner Map class, sign up for my newsletter below).

Next, we learn how to work with the energy of emotion so that we can be with our own feelings. The key here is to move beyond just talking about how we feel, so that we can actually feel into those feelings and move their energy through our body. Once we begin to feel comfortable presencing with strong emotion, we can then turn toward the fear that drives us to focus on others by trying to fix them.

If you find yourself focusing more on your partner and what he or she needs to do to change, it might be an indicator that you’ve lost connection with yourself. Learning how to reconnect with you (by shifting your emotional state) doesn’t have to take years of therapy. In fact, it can happen relatively quickly with commitment and support.

Today, trust that with the right tools and the willingness to learn a new way of being, the grip of needing to diagnose or “fix” your partner will loosen. Know that it is possible for you to come back into connection with you – no matter what is going on with your partner.

Looking for a resource to begin learning how to move energy? The book, The Relationship Skills Workbook, by Julia Colwell, PhD is a great place to start. If you’re looking for 1:1 support, I’d love to chat :).

*Julie Colwell coined the term Reactive Brain, which is a concept that encompass all reactivity/threat/contracted states of consciousness.