I don’t know about you, but I really like feeling loved. And, because lots of my programming for how to get love is, well, programmed into me, my unconscious default mode is often to amplify the “good” things about myself and steer clear of the “bad” things (that deep down I fear make me unloveable).

With a long-standing belief of thou shall not judge humming along in the back of my mind, judgement is one of those things that has naturally landed on my “‘bad’ things to not be” and “traits to get rid of” lists.

In short, before I understood how Reactive Brain* worked, I spent a lot of time trying to make my judgmental mind be not so judgmental, or worse – cease to exist at all.

The problem is, this part of me never really went away – at least not for good. Sure, I’d have periods of reprieve when life was good or I felt good, but inevitably I’d find myself slipping back into judgment of myself and/or others on a regular basis.

Furthermore, because I often knew not to share my judgments out loud (out of fear that I’d be judged for my judgments!), I was really great at tricking myself into believing that if I just didn’t share my thoughts, the judgments didn’t count.

At the end of the day, my deep-seated belief that judgment was bad discouraged me from acknowledging or investigating it. Instead, I often pretended it wasn’t there or outright denied it existed within me all together, which led me to becoming really skilled at finding and slapping the judgmental label onto others: My God, she is just so judgmental!

Oh, the irony.

The problem with denying this part of myself (other than the side effects of living in projection, like contraction in my body and feeling disconnected from myself and others), is that it means I have no relationship with it. And, because we cannot have an impact on something we don’t have a relationship with, without a connection to this part of myself, I was limited in my ability to consciously shift out of it when it arose.

In other words, in order to shift out of judgment (or any “disruptive” thought or behavior), I have to first learn how to join with it; aka I have to love it (or at the very least, accept it and get to know it) just as it is.

It’s counterintuitive, I know. Who really wants to love something they don’t like about themselves?

The beautiful thing is though, when I embrace this process, the “problematic” aspect of me eventually becomes willing to take a back seat to the guidance of my higher self – the part of me that is loving and kind, free of judgment, and capable of feeling all of my feelings.

Because my higher self is the part of me that loves all of me – including my inner judger – just as I am, it is more than capable of giving any unloved part all the love and acceptance it needs to feel seen and heard, which in turn allows my judger to loosen it’s grip on trying to control my life with disruptive thoughts and behaviors.

Furthermore, my higher self knows that my ego (aka Reactive Brain and all my reactive parts that comprise RB) isn’t “bad,” it just is. It helps me to get things done, keeps me safe, and makes me unique. I don’t want to get rid of my ego, but I also don’t want it to be in charge all the time. Instead, I want to love it, welcome it, and join with it so that it can trust me – my essence – to be in charge of my life – versus it running amok in the unconscious shit show it is so skilled at directing :).

While my Reactive Brain has certainly gotten me into some trouble over the years, in many ways, I have lots of appreciation for it. The way I see it, my childhood programming was necessary for survival and the whole developing a personality thing. However, this conditioning (and the stories I made up about what it means to be “good” or “bad”) can really have a profound impact on my ability to see and love all of myself – including the parts I’m not so proud of or that I know I shouldn’t have – like being judgmental.

It turns out, however, that being judgmental isn’t who I really am, it’s simply a part of me that sometimes unconsciously comes in to help me when I have spotted a threat. I see now that not only is judgement simply a part of Reactive Brain, but that it was also always well-intended and served a purpose: to help me to not feel big feelings.

Once I began to see that all the parts of myself I didn’t really like served the purpose of helping me, I began to get some space from my own judgment of them. In turn, I found the ability to begin exploring more of my ego with a sense of curiosity.

Eventually I learned that when I turn toward all of myself with love and acceptance – rather than shame or judgment – not only do I have more compassion for myself and others, but I also find that I can actually have an impact on the behaviors/parts that wreak havoc on my life and relationships.

Today, my intention is to welcome judgment with curiosity and love. Instead of getting swept up in judgmental stories and believing them or projecting them outward (remember, Reactive Brain is quite the trickster and wants us to believe all of its stories so that we don’t have to feel the feelings underneath those stories!), I do my best to choose to embrace awareness and notice my own thinking.

When I step into this type of conscious awareness, I find I am better able to step outside of the content of my stories so that I can recognize the context of them: Oh there that is again, my mind is judging, spinning stories of anger and pride. I must have spotted a threat somewhere along the line. I wonder what I’m really feeling, what I’m scared of, and what energy wants to move through my body?

Now, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes it takes me a minute to recognize and move through judgment as I access feelings and sensations in my body. More often than not, however, once I can recognize that I’m having big feelings and that judgment has come in to help me not feel them (and thus, that I’m in Reactive Brain), I’m already beginning to shift my emotional state simply by becoming more aware of what’s happening inside.

As I tune out of the details of my mind’s story and tune into my body, I can begin to wonder: hmmmm, where am I at on The Inner Map? If I’m “Below The Line,”* the only thing to do from here is to simply choose: do I want to shift?

If you’re ready to shift – great! Pick your favorite shift move to help you get into a more expansive space and then bask in the wonder and awe of Creative Brain and being grounded in your essence!

If you don’t want to shift – that’s great too! Sometimes we just don’t want to shift and may hear thoughts like: No! I’m not being judgmental, they really are [assholes, ignorant, uneducated, causing all the problems, etc]! You might even be judging yourself: No, I really am worthless and no one will ever love me and this will never change!

If you decide you want to stay in Reactive Brain – that’s okay! Celebrate that you have recognized your level of consciousness and that you are choosing to stay there. In fact, I’d even encourage you to make it bigger in your mind – really let this part of you “have at it,” giving it the space to just be with whatever it’s thinking and feeling, even if it seems silly or stupid. Be warned, however, that consciously allowing yourself to have this experience and make it bigger might actually lead to shifting out of it, and, God forbid, some eventual laughter at the whole ordeal :).

The point here is while we may not be able to choose what we’re working with in our inner world or our emotions, we always have the choice for how we respond to ourselves and the world around us.

The beauty of this work for me is that not only am I now able to respond to myself and life – versus react – I’m also way more loving of all of me and all of others – including my inner judger :). Nowadays when judgment pops up, I remind myself that it isn’t bad or wrong, it just means that Reactive Brain has queued my judger to step in and try and help me to feel better by avoiding my feelings – feelings that thank goodness I am now able to feel, thanks to a process called SEW (Sensations, Emotions, Wants) and other body-centered tools.

Today, begin to consider if you have an inner judger that might want your attention. How and when does it show up? What’s happening in your body when it’s around? How might you begin to turn toward this part of you, get curious for how it’s actually been trying to help, and maybe even begin to appreciate it for how hard it’s worked?

As you begin to get more acquainted with this aspect of yourself, begin to wonder how you might now be able to help it feel better: what does it want? How does it feel? Where does it live in your body?

As you continue connecting with the various parts of yourself with curiosity and attention, notice how the grip of disruptive thoughts and behaviors may loosen as you notice feeling more connected with your intuition, grounded in self trust, and ultimately, that you’re spending way more time playing around in Creative Brain* where you’re able to love all of you and all of others.

Happy Friday, friends!

May you experience love and acceptance and understanding for those unloved parts of you that all along have just been doing the best they can to try and help you feel better 🙂

*The terms and concepts of Reactive Brain, Creative Brain, and Below The Line were coined by Julie Colwell.