Twelve years ago, as I navigated being single for the first time in a long time, I decided to chronicle my dating adventures and subsequent life lessons via a personal blog. I was rather scared at the time for others to see me – like, really see me – so I created the pen name, Emma Parks, to ensure I’d be able to write openly without anyone ever knowing who I really was.

Emma’s life was short, but powerful. It turns out that writing without a filter can be an incredibly magical and energizing experience. Not only was writer’s block virtually nonexistent, but somehow being able to freely share my fumbly, imperfect self, also carried with it a deep sense of healing and liberation. 

A year or so ago (ten years after Emma and I had parted ways) I began to experience a desire to blog again. At this point, I now had my own coaching business – a role that required me to uphold a level of professionalism that somehow, in my mind, meant hiding certain things about myself that might lead to the perception that I didn’t always have my shit together (spoiler alert: I don’t).

It turns out, however, my mind also saw a new blog as a smart business move: theoretically it could help me to grow my biz, share my personal slant on inner work, and maybe even increase my SEO – all in the name of service and free content and “self expression.” Ultimately I decided that if I could write in a way that was calculated enough to sidestep any real threat of rejection (by avoiding any and all “risky” self disclosure at all costs), I could do the blogging thing again.

My new blog worked well – for a minute. I told stories about myself, generated content, and wrote about topics I enjoyed talking about. Somehow, though, the actual experience of writing mostly lacked the sort of fun, freedom, and inspiration I felt when Emma was around. My inner filter for what and how I “should” be writing as a coach (and now as a new therapist) led to an excruciatingly painful and ultimately nonexistent writing process. I was so focused on what was “okay” to say and what others wanted to hear, that much of the time I’d completely lost any sense of connection to myself and what I really wanted to write about. 

Eventually my writer’s block completely took over: not only did I stop blogging altogether, but I started questioning if I even enjoyed writing at all anymore.

At some point, during a Zone of Genius exercise at an Evolutionary Power event, I began to wonder about writing and what zone it fit into for me. I shared with the group that I had always loved writing and considered it part of my Zone of Genius (the zone of flow, enjoyment, lifeforce energy, etc.), but now I wondered if that was really true? As of late I’d started to really dislike it – especially when trying to figure out what to write and if other people would enjoy/approve of it.

Although I didn’t get much clarity during the event, insights began to pour in over the next several days; an experience that has since led me to believe that the Zone of Genius exercise should come with some sort of a warning label: 

Warning! Profound insights and not so subtle soul-level calls to action may occur! You may find yourself getting clear about what it is you really want – even if you’re terrified of doing it!

My first call to action came in when I started thinking: Hmmm, I’m single again and about to embark on a post-divorce dating journey. What if I created some sort of an Emma 2.0 blog – an unfiltered, authentic, and brutally self honest chronicle of my relationships –  both with myself and others – but this time as…the real me.

I was intrigued and excited about this new idea. Just as quickly as the download came in, however, so did my Filterer persona, the part of me that knows EXACTLY what’s “okay” and “not okay” to share about myself with others. Because The Filterer’s job is to reduce any potential risk of ridicule, rejection, and ultimately, evolutionarily speaking, being “cast out” from my community/place of belonging and safety, she’s excellent at spotting threats (in this case, writing an open, authentic blog about me, by me) and immediately reacting with a slew of thoughts designed to scare me right back into my comfort zone:

It’s a dumb move, no one will want to work with you (you won’t have money to live!).

You’ll get in trouble with the board.

People will think you’re crazy.

No one will want to date you.

No one cares.

It doesn’t make sense with regard to your businesses.

Other people will discover how unloveable you are.

You will be rejected and all alone.

Oh, how good my inner Filterer is at what she does! I actually really appreciate this part of me for helping me to feel safe and accepted for so many years. The thing is, though, my soul’s cry for authenticity and expression was increasing in strength and volume by the minute. The Emma Parks 2.0 idea it seemed, was here to stay, regardless of any internal resistance.

At some point, I got real with my Filterer and let this part of me know that while I wanted to honor her, I couldn’t ignore the impulse to express and create anymore. So, we cut a deal: before moving forward with the blog, I’d first run the idea by a trusted mentor.

The deal not only worked, but proved to be a great idea. I ended up receiving the following gem of wisdom that turned out to be a game changer for me: 

“People will have feelings,” my mentor said (re: my fear that my new blog idea might bring with it criticism and judgment from others). “You won’t be able to control their feelings. Unless you don‘t say anything, and then you could control their feelings. [Which is] a great solution… if I don’t tell you, you’re not gonna judge me. It’s a smart strategy, it’s just going to cost you.”

Suddenly the implication for playing it small was no longer just about hiding. It was about the root of every problem, conflict, and stuckness I’ve ever experienced: the fear of big feelings, and the ways in which I unconsciously try to keep myself and others from having them.

My options were clear: I could continue to hide or I could recommit myself to feeling all of my emotional experience (especially in the face of others’ potential big feelings), living from my essence, and following the inner nudge to create in ways that feel fun and exciting and supportive of my newly discovered unbound desire to openly share all of me; to express who it is I really am.

I’ve decided – with great excitement (and a little bit of fear) – that the benefit of hiding is no longer worth the cost: my new twist on an old blog is finally ready to see the light. 

Happy Tuesday friends, and onward, ho :).