Do you ever find yourself distancing from someone you were once close with? Maybe it’s something major like you had a fight and now you aren’t speaking. Maybe you hear yourself saying things like: I can’t stand him! What a [insert your favorite explicative here]! I’ll never speak to him again!
Or maybe you’re not really sure what happened or why you don’t want to be around that one person you used to love spending time with, you just know that you’re avoiding their phone calls and saying you have plans when you really don’t.
Now, of course, my disclaimer here is that this isn’t about putting ourselves in unsafe situations or having to like everyone or do something we really don’t want to do. This is about understanding why we distance ourselves from people we once cared about and how we can come back into connection and alignment with ourselves (and possibly the other). It’s also about getting curious about what’s really true: do we really not like that person anymore or do we just not like the way we are feeling?
Gay and Katie Hendricks* explain this phenomenon through their Withhold, Withdraw, Project cycle. The basic idea is that at some point (and usually, when we get curious, we can go back to the exact moment it occurred), something happened in relationship and we had a feeling. If we didn’t allow ourselves to actually have the feeling at the time (ie: fully move it through our body), we withheld our emotional experience from ourselves (and the other person), thus we experienced a withhold.
Experiencing a withhold not only leads to withdrawal from ourselves, but also from the other person. We know we’re withdrawing when we no longer want to be around a person. As we withdraw, the mind unconsciously directs our attention outward to explain (and “get rid of”) the uncomfortable feeling we withheld from ourselves in the first place.
However, while the mind does it’s best to remedy the situation, it always comes up short in effectively dealing with feelings, because it doesn’t know what the heck to do with them other than to blame something outside of us: you’re making me so mad!
In other words, because the mind deals with uncomfortable feelings by blaming that person or relationship or that thing “out there,” it has us convinced that the antidote to feeling better is to just withdraw from said person or thing and to stay as far away from our feelings as possible.
Makes sense, right?
Of course it does! Those dang feelings are scary! Especially the ones that come up in relationship, because those are the REALLY big ones that at some point along the way we learned 1. might blow us over, make us go crazy, kill us, or [insert whatever your fear of having feelings might be here] and 2. can really “hurt” other people if we let them be known.
It makes sense to me why the mind does what it does – feelings can often seem like life or death. Thank you, mind, for all the avoidance, blame, and projection you’ve created for me throughout the years. I know you’re always doing the best you can to try and help me feel safe.
The thing is though, when the mind is focusing “out there” doing its best to keep us safe, it’s actually doing the opposite of what we really need to feel safe and secure, which is to presence with our emotional experience and let the dense, negative energy move through our bodies.
At the end of the day, while it can REALLY look like someone else is to blame for the way I feel, the reality is my feelings are in my body. I’m the only one that could’ve created them. Therefore, I’m 100% responsible for having them and for moving them (versus trying to get that person to do or say or be something different so that I can feel better).
When we’re in the midst of the WWP cycle, in order to not feel those feelings, the mind often has unconsciously convinced us that distancing is the best way to handle how we feel. In response to this, we might hear it offer subtle reasonings for why we don’t want to reconnect or call that person and share how we really feel:
I’m just too busy now.
We just don’t get along anymore.
He doesn’t want to see me either.
We’ve grown apart.
She won’t know anything different.
At some point, as we continue to withhold from our emotional experience, the mind enters into full-fledged projection, telling us all kinds of big stories about ourselves, the situation, and/or the other person, as a way to further perpetuate the withdrawal – just so that we don’t have to feel those dang feelings!
If we’re unaware that we have a withhold or that we’re withdrawing, we likely will end up at some point, knee-deep in projection, believing that:
He really is an asshole – he was never going to change and give me what I needed!
She just changed, we don’t jive anymore.
She doesn’t care about me.
He’s so sensitive. He’ll just get hurt if I tell him how I feel.
Smart strategy, right? To withdraw and paint the thing “out there” as the “problem”?
Sure! That is until at some point we realize that living in projection is quite uncomfortable and that a lifelong build up of withholds really puts a damper on the whole feeling good in our bodies thing.
The thing is, clearing withholds isn’t about whether or not the other person is right or wrong, good or bad, at fault or not. It’s not about if they really are an asshole, who did what to whom, or whether or not they knew you had big feelings in the first place.
Clearing withholds is simply about you coming back into alignment with you. It’s about you allowing yourself to have your emotional experience so that you can clear the energy leaks that are getting in the way of the big and beautiful life you came here to live.
So, what does clearing a withhold look like?
First, think about someone you’ve distanced yourself from and think back to when you first began to pull away. Can you remember what happened? Great! Now, tune into your body as you’re remembering that experience. What sensations do you notice? What feelings are bubbling up? What did you not let yourself feel at the time?
From here, you now have a chance to actually let yourself have the emotional experience you didn’t let yourself have way back when. The best way for me to let my feelings move through is to focus all my attention on the biggest sensation, breathe into it, let it get bigger, let my mind’s stories pass through like clouds, and watch as the energy wave crescendos (because it will). This is a practice, but often, the energy – when we let it get as big as it wants to get – can move through within minutes.
Next, if you’d like to take this to the next level, you can share your experience with the person you’ve withdrawn from. This looks something like, “I notice that I’ve been pulling away from you and as I got curious about what was going on for me, I realized that when we went out to dinner a few months back and we got into a disagreement, I felt really scared and didn’t let myself feel that at the time.”
It’s important to remember that this part of the process – clearing the withhold – is sharing what you didn’t let yourself feel – versus the story your mind created at the time. The magic here is in 1. allowing yourself to have the feeling, and 2. speaking the truth about this feeling to the other person. Be sure to keep this blame-free and grounded in owning your experience (while it’s tempting to say, the phrase “when you _____, I feel _____” is actually a blame statement). Here’s a tip: as you’re sharing, notice any sensations that you experience during the share and speak these in real time. This will support you to stay in your body and off the Drama Triangle.
In my experience, clearing withholds can be a scary, but incredibly liberating experience. Because when I can move through old stuck energy and tell the truth about it to the person I withdrew from, I feel less stuck, more aligned, and ultimately (regardless of how the other person responds) more connected to me.
Today, consider if there’s a withhold that’s getting in the way of your connection. How might feeling your feelings and sharing the truth of your experience open you up to more expansion, possibility, connection, and love?
Happy Friday, friends!
Sending you all kinds of blessings and support as you move that old energy through and reconnect with you.
*Find more info on Gay and Katie Hendricks’ work here.
Looking for powerful and supportive reads? Check out Conscious Loving (Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks) and The Relationship Ride (Julia Colwell).
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